For the weirdest, most unexplainable reason known to me, I, me
Cried. As Shocking as it was to me, I really couldn't stop. There was also no-one around me, for my to pretend to be brave and tough. I sat there crying wondering to myself, hm mm, "Maybe I'm pregnant, that's what happens right you get emotional". Then crazy as it was to be, I mouthed " I miss you, I need you so much right now MOM".

I don't think anyone can actually understand how weird that is seeing as when my mom died i laughed at/ in the whole time during the funeral. I guess I'm just a late mourner or something if such a thing exist. I boggled.

Life has just been so tiring, No, there's not kid to worry about, I live with my dad, so there's no responsibilities, I'm a total free agent so I have no reason to be acting like a retard crazy woman. Maybe, just maybe my family is correct and I am not as cold and heartless as I would like to be perceived, I so lost I need guidance, and this is guidance that can be received from a church confessional or from my very over priced shrink. I really think I screwed up my life and I ... can believe I'm saying this but I need my Mommy.

Man do I miss that crazy ole bag, DEPRESSION. Merlin I hate it.

I hate when you think that I’m lying,
But I love that you care enough to care,
I hate when you worry about dumb shit,
But its sweet and I blush when you do.

You make me so confused,
The contents of my mind sloshing around.

You’re the perfect guy,
I’m not sure for me,
But you are a great guy.

I don’t get you, “you’re special”
You’re this great guy that hangs with me,
It’s not just “physical” it’s so much more,
You’re… “Perfect yet so imperfect”.

You’ve some what renewed my faith in humanity,
Well men at least,
You’ve made my day, my year even,
Thank You.

Like a child in pain I cry,
I howl,
I wail,
I am lonely without you.

The Torture that is life persists to taunt me,
I am once more facing the darkness that is light,
Again in the enlighten realm of pain,
I am lost.

I find myself hating all that is happiness,
Hating all that surrounds me,
I feel myself shaking,
I feel myself burning with despair.

I have found some comfort,
Someone to sooth the beast within,
But in the end nothing,
No-one can take your place,
Dying slowing inside I scream for you.

My tortured soul cries,
I miss the smells,
The taste of the air,
I keep you forever close,
In my blacken heart for eternity.

Only time can heal the scars.

I havent written anything in this in ages amd a day, I could say that the reason is the i'm busy, or that i've finally gotten a life that can't be put into words. The thin is my life can be interpreted, this can be done with ease.

Unpermanent Bliss

Happy again, man its been a while,
Happy again, feeling like finally my life has meaning,
Happy again, I wish it could stay this way forever,
But no this is just the begining of the unpermanent happiness that is my life.

Happy, I sing from the mountain tops,
Happy, looking out beyond the clouds,
Happy, twirls and spins and leaps of joy,
Beacuse right now I am happy

Its what I had to do,
This Letter I'm Writing to you.

Your dead and gone,
I know this,
I never try to fool it.

My despair,
I'm not being selfish,
I want you around,
A graduation, Corination,
The end of a journey,
You ....
You cannot be there.

In a weird way,
I thank you,
You showed me the light.

You death brought growth,
You showed us all the path to take,
You choose your time,
And I smile.

He has become wiser,
he has now opened himself,
I too have embraced it,
We all had to face it.

Desolate, barren, empty place,
The sun no longer shines,
No longer dose it warm,
The stench of must lingers in the air.

I smile as I hear you,
Complaining at the condition,
Of the thing you prided most,
I smile,
Im happy it wasnt an unhappy loss.

Tired and frustrated,
I want to release,
My physical form, is tired,
And my spirit has needs.

Serve me your platter of love,
Make me work for your admiration,
Teach me of your body,
Study my own.

Missing the thing that I had,
The emotions that it brought,
Love me.

Talking, it's not exactly what were good at,
You say “Honey, I love you”,
I bite your head off,
Your sit silent next to me.

They say that couples that never have fights, aren’t real relationships,
Then I guess that you and I are the best,
Is it that I am really a totalitarian?
That I’m spoilt into always having my own way,
Is it that I am not use to sharing even when what I’m shreing is my heart,
“If I have one, that is”.

I don't say it Expect it,
You say words you don't mean,
you make promises you don't intend on keeping
Then you complain.
Making me feel like I wrong,
You need to be right, redeem yourself,
If its for you its great, if not it flops, Your not interested,
I cant be equal with you, Its all you or nothing, you self, egotistical, moron.

I cant believe that I'm with you,
Tell me am I worth anything, do you really keep me in your heart,
why do i think that I'm the only giver,
I don't complain, I argue, you complain, complain about my complaining.
Think you turd, why would I be pissed, I asked for love I get squat,
Is this a back burn, bouncing from how i treated others,
You say you love me, then you ditch me for TURF.... WTF?

The color on the surface annoys me, they make me so pissed,
Smashing against the edge of the ugly forest green turf,
I want to smash them, everything to do with them,
Then I stop and think, Why do I put up with this,
Is it love, I doubt it. tell me.
Annoyance, you and your turf,
The annoyance, the care you but into your little set,
Wow! You did something, One bank?
Huh? Like I care, I don't even understand...

God Im pissed, breath, sit, breath, wait,
Patiently.
WHY????????

I sit here pondering,
Hanging out my laundry, washing them clean,
Do you understand the perplexity,
The way taht you have reintroduced A NEW CHAPTER.

The way you have reintroduced a new chapter,
In my book of life, torn out pages reform,
Burnt pages of our year spent crisp,
This book that we wrote, that I ended.

Do you understand the perplexity,
You have come into my desolated utopia, annihilating peace,
World Wind,Tornado, taking me for a spin,
You rocked my world, you broke me and my barriers

I sit here pondering,
Hanging out my laundry, washing them clean,
Stringing up the white skirt, thinking of you,
Always and forever a year of my life, HISTORY.

Waiting for it to hit me,
The power of its force,
sitting waiting for it to hit me.

Almost five,
Still no response,
I think he has forgotten me on his nightly rounds.

Okay now I'm just bored,
It still has not arrived,
I feel more alive,
more vibrant than earlier in the day,
I'm confused I think getting some mad stay awake.

Okay it's five,
I'm still awake,
Mister Sandman you bastard,
You so forgot me.

Still not tired,
The dawn is approaching,
Still not asleep,

So much for work in the morning.

Fine goodnight,
I'll force it,
I will.

This is the rambling of an insomniac in the early morning.

You aren't the only one who feels,
Not the only one to bleed,
To lose a battle,
Win a war,
You aren't alone in this world.

Troubles on the horizon,
I can see it coming,
Fear not the present,
The future gonna be Great!,
You looked back,
Now you're a pillar of salt.

Take away my inhibitions,
Living deep inside is my relief,
Take by transgressions,
Below the surface lies my salvation.

Driving on the road of life,
Bumpy and Steep,
World look out,
I'm coming out.

Taking my time to move,
Enjoying my youth,
Living La Vida Lo-ca.

What has started,
Soon has to end,
It's life and that's death.

I lay on my bed thinking,
Thinking of the moments that we shared,
Of the things we did to each other,
The things that we could’ve done together.

Then I remember your touch,
Your hands were like instruments,
Playing a most infectious tune of love,
Your finger hit ever note correctly,
You my musician.

You touch me,
Running your finger along my flesh,
Reaching in an touching my heart,
Tearing down the walls that I built.

You kiss me,
Each like a time bomb,
Exploding upon impact,
My hair hands on end,
I am under your control.

My body responds,
Becoming erect,
As your hands play there song,
As the melody has its way with me,
Over and over again.

Your puppet here,
Waiting for you sweet embrace.

The transition from one step to another is at times easier said than done.

Walking in my shoes, cold heartless empty,
They feel like clogs, heavy against a smooth surface,
Moving slowly through the sea of choices.

Having what I once had or at least what I thought I had,
I try, failing, falling, ever so often,
Repeating these steps as I walk, counting the multitude of choices beneath my feet.

Finding something, no sure what it is, tread carefully,
Moving slowly, these heavy shoes dragging through the ocean of decision,
I’m sinking, I’m leaving my reservations behind, taking control, I have found it.

Stop! The decision is unanimous, the world will accept it, my calling,
I have found what I wanted in every right in the earliest embrace, I have what I want,
Its here, the tide has taken over I am happy.

Together we skip merrily along the path of life,
We sigh at the awesomeness of the sunset,
As darkness falls the air tightens,
I wonder why I feel a chill,
You have,
Are morphing,
You change,
Change into a beast.

Something that is unreal,
Something that scares the girl you met,
So frighted that she grows,
Yanked from her haven,
Her roots pulled from that safety of her top soil,
Washed of my innocence,
Striped of my pride,
Thrown to the world,
Naked and hopeless,
Tired I walk and find my strength.

You don't care,
I don't need you,
Your presence is blase,
What ever,
I'm walking on my own without you,
I don't need you,
What ever,
I don't need you,
I think,
I don't need you,
Please,
Don't.

I wasn't the first to let go,
don't think that I have,
I feel abandoned,
Here you left me.

I'm in the cold dull world,
lost without your words,
Ignorant as they somethings were,
I miss your words.

Why?
Dumb questions
What happened?
Things people ask,
I know What it feels like?
You know what, no they don't,
No one feels like me,
No one understands or doesn't understand me like you.

Forever I mourn,
For my lose,
Our lose,
I cry.

Is it my new found weight?
Or is it my Old Sickness?
What is it?
What is it about me that makes you find me so repulsive?

No longer do we share a bed
If we do neither of us sleep well
No longer do I care for you,
You disappointed me, hurt me… Tear *

I no longer care for your touch,
You have become my cancer, eating away at my soul,
Nourishing you with what little health I have,
Leaving me, an empty carcass rotting in the blistering sun.

The weather can be so unkind,
Sunny one day then raining another,
The clouds weep too bringing showers of tears… Acid Rain*

Jesus weep too, I don’t know why but if I could guess I’d say that it was because he felt lonely,
BASTARDS… laugh… Bastards*
I’m tired… Exhausted*
Good Night honey,
I missed you beside me last night.

Is it my new found weight?
Or is it my Old Sickness?
What is it?
What is it about me that makes you find me so repulsive?

No longer do we share a bed
If we do neither of us sleep well
No longer do I care for you,
You disappointed me, hurt me… Tear *

I no longer care for your touch,
You have become my cancer, eating away at my soul,
Nourishing you with what little health I have,
Leaving me, an empty carcass rotting in the blistering sun.

The weather can be so unkind,
Sunny one day then raining another,
The clouds weep too bringing showers of tears… Acid Rain*

Jesus weep too, I don’t know why but if I could guess I’d say that it was because he felt lonely,
BASTARDS… laugh… Bastards*
I’m tired… Exhausted*
Good Night honey,
I missed you beside me last night.

Tuesday: 16th 2007
Time : 8 - 10
Subject: College English2
Topic: Mask

Ms. Campbell, came into the class, she looked different, but normal cause it is an arts college after all. She wore a long black dress, red gloves, a big (i think) purple hat, and sunglasses... this was complimented with an easternish sounding accent.
The topic for the class was masks, we were to tell how our lectueurs facade influenced us.
Masca: evil, hideous characters.(Itilian)
Noh, Nō, (Japanese: 能) or Nōgaku (能楽) is a major form of classical Japanese musical drama that has been performed since the 14th century. Together with the closely-related kyogen farce, it evolved from various popular, folk and aristocratic art forms, including Dengaku, Shirabyoshi, and Gagaku. Noh and kyogen received official recognition as two of the three national forms of drama. Noh is unique in its slow, spartan grace and its use of distinctive masks. The masks in Noh (能面 nō-men or　面 omote, feature) all have names. Usually only the shite, the main actor, wears a mask. However, in some cases, the Tsure may also wear a mask, particularly for female roles. The Noh masks are used to portray female or nonhuman (divine, demonic, or animal) characters.
Three functions of Mask: to hide, to scare and to tranform.
In the class we also discussed Jonknuu.. and the history behind it...
*women were never allowed to wear mask. perfrom in the show*.

In your arms,
I feel completed you're touching me.

Im in your loving embrace,
Touching my lips,
We become one,
Our lips become art a jungle figure.

Holding ever so tightly touch me,
Loveing the skin im in, hug me,
Being all that I can be for you,
Kiss Me.

Your kiss makes me smile,
Stare me in the right direction.

Lost.

Lost to the.

Lost never to see the sadness that exist,
Forever to smile
Never will it know hardship
Never will it cry
"It" is lost to the world.

Gone from existence,
Down a drain
Sewers
I cry not
Im am cold
I did not loose much
I cry not.

I do not speak,
I do not spewak on its behalf
Not know well enough
Not existing long enough to have a history
No-one will speak for "It".

Bye.

Time will pass,
A life will be rebuilt
Love will be shared
In the memory of ...

"IT"